Life and Death

Pardon the point-blank. The past few years, I have learned a lot about life. I've learned a lot about this life, and the next life. I've found lots of spiritual truths by reading the scriptures, going to church, praying. . . and not-as-spiritual truths by going to college, living with different people, testing my limits, and spending lots of time sitting on a big black leather couch. All these things have taught me a few things:

1. There is a great big plan that we do not understand fully. We only see a miniscule segment- barely a puzzle piece.

2. Life goes on. Here on earth, and after we die. We never stop learning from it, and continue to learn after we leave this place.

3. The Lord sends us "back-up" so to speak. He makes sure we have lots of people to love and be loved by.

4. I have abandonment issues. Always have. (This one, I learned from the big leather couch, not the scriptures.) Probably always will. But I was always a little on the grateful side, dark and twisty as it may be, that I can easily direct all my anger and frustrations about life in general towards one man. I can pin-point "Oh, I feel this way about this because my dad left when I was 17." Or "I have trouble trusting people--it's only because my dad left." It works for everything. It's my crutch. And I keep trying to throw it away. Just every little while, I crawl around looking for it, until I find it. And it takes so much energy to use it. And I shouldn't have to. I should be healed.

I had a few reality checks this weekend. One of them was conference. The general feeling for me was best stated by the late prophet Gordon B. Hinckley when he said "It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out." I felt like the Lord was just telling me to keep going, serve others, be happy. Life is good. And it is.

The other check was last night. Went with the bishopric to see a girl in our ward. Her mother passed away on Sunday. I walked in the house and gave her a hug. She was smiling, and seemed so grateful that "the suits" had come for a visit. She just kept saying "I'm doing ok" and "She's in a better place." The home was so peaceful feeling. Almost like the mother had everything "in order" before she left. The whole time I was there, I could hardly keep from crying. And how selfish of me! I just kept thinking about my stupid crutch. I looked at her, and I felt angry. I thought about, despite the wonderful conference talks, how hard life is. I thought about how bad it hurts when your boyfriend breaks up with you, how stressful money can be, being exhausted from school. And then I thought about how fun it is to like a boy and talk about him, funny stories that happened from work, and birthday cards. . . and I felt so angry. Because I get to tell my mom those things. And there are so many people who don't. I am friends with many of them. And one day, I will be one of those people too. I left in awe of this girl's faith in God. I remembered her selflessness, her kind eyes, and her happiness for her mother. I left wanting to thank God for his plan, and for all of the guidance we receive. I left thinking of my many friends who have lost loved ones, and their strength and faith. I left feeling more inadequate, and more grateful than I've ever felt.

"And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God." DC 14:7